Normally, I would have beaten myself up about it and tried every single thing in my power to hide it and make sure no one ever saw my screw up. That's is exactly how I was raised after all.
But I guess I've done some growing or something cause yesterday I just shrugged my shoulders, waved my hands around and said "fuck it!"
It wasn't even that big of a fuck up, y'all. It was a tiny, baby, silly mistake.
See? I drink coffee every day and have taken to doing a daily review over on the Valley of Oh Instagram account. Normally, I'll just snap a pic or do a short lil video of the pouring or the grinding or something. Somedays I'll even stage in the holiday forest just for variety.
Except yesterday, I didn't pay attention and posted it to my regular old JackiOh5 Instagram account.
My normal MO would be a classic panic & scramble. Delete the offending "wrong" post immediately and then rush to post it in the "right" place. And then apologize to as many people as humanly possible to cover my bases.
I didn't do that yesterday.
I mean, yeah, I did a panic when I realized (hours later) what I did. But I skipped the part where I beat myself up about it, wondered how dumb other people thought I was.
By skipping those things I was also able to skip the self-hate spiral that used to dominate my days.
I used to beat myself up over the tiniest things. The most human mistakes. For as long as I remember being alive.
Unfortunately the horror and despair I felt internally was reinforced by jobs and relationships that punished human mistakes.
Make a typo? End of the world! You should never write another word again!
Break a glass? How could you be such a terrible worthless person!
Ruin dinner? What use are you to me, then?
Schedule a post on the wrong day? Well, now you've ruined the whole thing!
Say the wrong actor when discussing a movie? You're obviously trash and don't really like the movie.
Like, those were some really unrealistic standards I was holding myself to. But I did it because I thought that's what the people I thought were important expected of me.
How fucking silly is that?! AND BORING!
So yesterday, when I saw I made a mistake... I owned up to it in the comments. I made a joke about it.
And y'all, the world did not end.
My friends don't hate me.
All of my clients have kept me on despite me fucking up my own social media.
No one cared except me. And that makes me wonder how many other pointless things I've been wasting my time worrying about or beating myself up over that just don't matter.
So I'm gonna find out.
While I'm finding my way, I'll need your help. Let me know if I do something to hurt you or heck, something you don't understand. We can talk about it and figure out where we're coming from and, ultimately learn from each other... and grow.
Growing together is the best.