My fella Mickey travels a LOT for work. Last year, I feel like he was almost gone more than he was home.
It was weird for me.
See? I've never really been alone. I had my daughter before graduating high school, so even when I was uncoupled and away from my family, I was not alone.
At first, I was kind of nervous about it. Not even scared of, like, a robber or a murder man or anything.
But I was worried about how to fill my time? Like what do I do when there's no one to bounce decisions off of or feelings to consider that aren't my own. How do I even start to do that?!
Saying it now sounds so silly, but listen.
I've spent my entire life doing things for other people. Luckily I have a partner who loves to indulge me so I get it back in spades.
But even something as little as what to watch or listen to or eat kind of locked up my brain. It really didn't know what to do with a decision when I was the literal only person that mattered.
And boy was that a lesson to learn.
It made me realize how little I valued myself and my opinions. And for why?
I'm fine. My taste level is fine. My opinions are fine. In fact I might even have *gasp* good taste on some things.
So why did I always discount it?
I mean, I know the root cause why, but now I beat myself up over not doing it earlier.
Being forced to be alone changed a lot of things about the way I approached the world. I learned the level of cleanliness I can bear, the foods I can eat on repeat without embarrassment.
There was a time where I literally ate nothing but tomato sandwiches over the summer and I am not exaggerating one bit.
The alone time also helped me figure out triggers for myself.
(I promise this pic is related)
One of my weirdest is tangentially food related. But sometimes when Mickey's gone I would find myself ordering in food even when I wasn't hungry. Then the food would get here and I'd eat a few bites and be bored with it and just stop eating it. Ugh it sounds so wasteful.
And it was.
At first, I thought the trigger was some sort of human interaction I was missing, but that didn't make any sense, because they drop the stuff at the door... I ain't never see 'em at all.
And we know the trigger wasn't hunger, lol.
I figured it out though. I think I was missing the waiting.
See? When Mickey's home, I wait for him to come home for lunch and then eagerly await his return home everyday. I wasn't, like, stopping everything and just waiting, don't get me wrong. I just had something new to look forward to.
So, I came up with a solution that only my brain could create.
I bought the supplies to gild and I started gilding my rock wall.
Let me tell you why this works for me.
I feel an emptiness and I start the endless scroll on my delivery app. Then my brain is like "Wtf are you even hongry?" Normally, I'd power through that annoying question and just order something but now I...
- Close the app
- Grab a brush
- Pick a rock
- Brush on some glue
- Wait 20 minutes (I have an amazing visual timer Mickey got me that I use for cooking and now this!)
- Gild it!
This works for me because I'm not wasting money or food and I get something visual that truly pleases me every time I look at it.
It has worked every single time so far. We'll see how the next trip goes.