I Don't See Faces in Dreams
This is something I just realized and I guess it's probably related to the Aphantasia.
I dream very vividly and even have two very clear recurring dreams.
One is good and one is bad. I will tell you about both, but start with the bad one.
In my most unsettling recurring dream, I'm in a hotel room and I've been there a while.
There is always someone with me, a family member, a friend. Always someone I like. I never see their face or their bodies really. I just know they are near and I hear them. It's like I recognize their presence, but not their form, if that makes sense.
It's one hour until checkout and the room looks as if we'd been living in it for months. There are clothes strewn everywhere and so many other things, like craft supplies, cooking items and just random living bullshit.
Now, in these dreams, we almost always have a connecting room and the people (who I assume are folks I know, otherwise why would I care?) are asleep, so we have to be quiet.
The hotel room we are staying in is very long and always exists in a resort with multiple pools. The quality of the resort varies. Sometimes it is fancy. Sometimes it is trashy.
I'm left with less than an hour to clean up the holy hell of a mess and the person with me is not helping at all. Instead, they're pulling more stuff out and making new piles.
It's the worst feeling and I hate it. I am realizing now that this dream happens whenever I am feeling unsure about something or unsafe in anyway.
So, when I have it, I'll take a look at what's happening in my life to see if there is anything I might be neglecting or overlooking that makes me feel this way.
I used to get them ALL THE TIME. Now, I get maybe one a month.
The good dream is my favorite though, because sometimes I'll get to spend time with someone who has passed away.
See? In my dreams I have a secret hideout. I know exactly where it is and how to get there, which is surprising because normally, I am terrible with directions.
I only visit this secret hideout for one on one adventures.
It's not like I get to pick who I go with either, so that surprise is always fun.
The secret hideout exists at the end of a sunny wooded path. They are Georgia woods, I am almost 100% certain. Not that I can recall what they look like in my head, but I remember what they feel like.
The path is gravel and uneven, and sometimes we have a red wagon full of supplies with us.
The conversation on the walk feels familiar, and I am buzzing with an internal excitement because this place is so cool and I can't wait to show them. It's always stupid exciting to bring a new person to my hideout, too!
They walk aside me, I never see their face or body, which makes me sad, because I'd love to see their faces for the hideout reveal.
So, the hideout is just a big dusty wooden building. It's like a low treehouse and it looks our over the nature surrounding with a big wooden deck.
It has no electricity and there are cobwebs everywhere. I'm pretty sure it's just an abandoned hunting lodge or something that I discovered and I do not own it.
I've been going there a lot though, so I'm not worried about anyone random showing up. I feel safe there.
Once we reach the hideout, I give them the tour and inevitably we'll find some kind of activity specifically for us to do together.
That's not the fun part though. The fun part is dreaming about someone new, who I've never taken to the hideout before, and realized that they are having their first visit with me.
I'm really selective about who comes with me. No lie, it took almost 8 years of living together (not to mention the 8+ years of friendship that came before that) before Mickey got to visit my hideout.
These two dreams stick out to me most because they are the two I talk about the most.
Sometimes, I wonder in the back of my head if the hideout is a place I've been before. Like I get this weird feeling that it is exists on a side path of the only dirt road my elementary school bus drove on every day.
I don't know why I feel that but I do. I wish there were more to my brain that audio notecards.
The people that visit this hideout with me are the most important to me. Casual acquaintances do not make this journey with me.
It's so exciting when someone new comes, though. I look at it as my brain's way of saying, "Hey, this person is AOK!"
I'm always right.
One of the coolest parts, aside from the occasional visits with my dad or nana is that sometimes folks show up on the path to the hideout that I've never even met in person.
There is a blogger that I used to read religiously, who turned into a Facebook friend. We've never met in person, but she's visited my hideout at least three times. How cool is that?
I wish I could visualize and then be able to recreate the things I visualize though art. I'd love to paint this hideout.
I always remember the light is gorgeous.
Sweetie, I want you to learn to control your dreams so you can put the bad ones where they belong – in the shit can of the universe. Bad dreams are the flotsam and jetsam of all of our embarrassments/unjust accusations/fears of inadequacy/ bad juju of daily living. You CAN control them, so your sleep can reveal your genuine self and deserved lightness of being.
I learned to do this in the late eighties but was not doing it to address the nightmares of my psyche, but to experiment with the nature of reality.
I used it in the past few years to defeat anxiety dreams.